Sleeping in and moving slow

So, my husband just started this, and so I wanted to, too! Hello, bandwagon...I'm a pretty good jumper!

It's March...usually by this time I'm jumping for joy because my birthday is in March. I've usually started a countdown, started thinking about what I want, etc etc. But I'm not. Maybe it's because we don't have the money to "do" anything (i.e. go out of town) out of the ordinary. Just part of growing up, I suppose, and I'm trying not to be bummed out about it because I know it'll be a great day regardless, but it does make me question. "Should a birthday be a huge deal?" or is it just another day to categorize our existence into something more tangible? A day to put us on a timeline, and keep us rooted here, like a clock, or a calendar. Without these things people don't generally keep track of time and days, if they don't have to.

But that's a little deeper than where I'd like to go right now. So birthday! Steffen is home for this one, which I think adds to the expectation that it should be something out of the ordinary, even for birthdays. And he's engaged. How do I feel about this? Off, I'll tell you...off. Not that I dislike Cassie. Perhaps this is just a natural thing. I am happy that he is happy. Mom proposed the idea of doing some sort of mixed ceremony with both Cassie and Steffen and Aaron and I, and i lit up at the idea. Perhaps this uneasiness I feel is that he's going to have some sort of experience that outdoes mine. I know that sounds stupid and silly, even to me, and I'm trying to squish that thought, but there it is, out in the open. Even having typed that, I feel much better.

Moving right along...

I've started back at school, and sadly found that I'm not nearly as far along as I'd like to be at this point, but I know that it's where I'm supposed to be. I've been thinking that all of the areas of study I had pursued before were not just a waste of time, but the culmination of all that I had to learn to find this. I LOVE what I'm doing. I love being smart enough to do this and feeling like I have something to offer. I can't explain the feeling that what I'm doing has meaning, and will affect lives in a positive and good manner. My biggest fear now is that something will happen to de-rail this. Right now, I'm depending heavily on Aaron to pay for me to go to school...atleast for a while. My parents thankfully are incredibly intuitive of this (woot!) and asked me to come back when they needed help, and are letting me work two days a week. This may not seem like a lot of money or time to a lot of people, but this short stint will pay for my fall semester. I think that maybe I'll try to find some sort of summer job to do part time, since I'll only be taking one class, and it would be a good opportunity to help pay for this. It's important to me to tell the universe, yes, i'm willing to do whatever it takes, and maybe, just a little bit of the voice (so please don't make anything bad happen!).

This is long, I know, but so important to me getting my mind in order. I've been having so many dreams, which I know just aids in this process.

I've just recently been subbed onto the main list for the SOA, and I'm loving it so far. Of course, at this point in my life, I'm head-above water in academia, so when the news that seminary is opening up came about, I of course had to take advantage. After finding that all my classes synced this semester, I knew it was what I needed to give me that extra push of what I'm trying to get out of my education. Mundane education has a way of generalizing and bland-izing thought and interpretation, and this isn't the education that I want. I feel like seminary will keep my mind firing in new ways, and allow for different perceptions and thoughts in all subjects, not just what we're studying in college.

I was just thinking that this spring will mark our 5 year graduation reunion...but I haven't heard anything about it happening. Oh well...it's not like any of us have truly been out of contact in any manner. Just crazy how time flies. I still feel in my body like I'm 16 years old. It doesn't seem possible that I'm going on 23 (to 30 to 40, etc etc) when I don't feel any different physically.



So, on a final note for now, because I really should get back to work, I've decided on a few things I'd like to manifest for emergence based on the messages I got from both Cerridwen and Blodeuwedd in Imramm at ritual -- more spontaneity (without feeling like i'm being irresponsible), more exploration, and finally, dance of some sort. These are things that I felt needed to be sacrificed in the name of adulthood, but fuck it, I'm not the mother yet, so I'll be the maiden for as long as I can. No regrets.